The Temptation of the Elite

I bought into intellectualism. The appeal of the academic, the pull to the elite, and the desire to contribute something to the world in the way of scholastic thought finally got the best of me. I will confess to you now that in my present circumstance, I am aware that many of my academic goals and career plans have been tainted with the desire for elevated superiority. Pride is an evil thing, and when allowed to live and breathe and move nearly unnoticed (I say nearly because I am often aware of its existence), it becomes an instrument of destruction - one that prevents the child's cry of "Abba..."

There is an unsettling in my soul. Marred by low self-esteem (the very worst pride) in the academic world coupled with the desire to be something of a brilliant mind, I constantly find myself facedown with each self-proclaimed failure. And when I "fail," I fear my value has been depleted. As if my academic success could charter my worth in His eyes... And I say His eyes because His are the only ones that matter. But if I were to be honest with you, I would say that my perception of my worth as an individual has come to rest in this competitive, academic, small world of which I feel I am the least of... and I'm afraid someone will find out. I need to be honest with you because if I can't face my sin and confess it to others, it will fester and boil into something even more despicable.

I dropped a class tonight. My mom said I don't have to tell anybody if I don't want to, but for some reason I have no problem telling anyone and everyone my struggles (I am a paradox)... and there was a lesson learned in dropping this class, and so I will share. Dropping this class means I will not obtain my english minor. Many of you will read this and think to yourself, "she's only one class away - why give up now?" Believe me - I've asked myself the same question over and over again... but in this quest to eliminate hurry, to irradicate busyness, to relieve myself from stress... I just can't do it. I thought I could and I wanted to prove to myself and to others that I could do it - but I can't. And that's ok. There are several reasons I suppose for which my decision is justified, but none of these matter to my readers... I did it.

At the core of this struggle is my Savior's call to rest... to trust... to abide. When I asked God about the class, He was gracious in His response: "it's ok Annie. You can drop it. Doesn't change a thing about the way I see you or the plans I have for you." So I will trust this peace. My cry daily is to Abba, for this title seems appropriate. Even now I envision myself in His arms, in His peace, in His compassionate, loving, and utterly accepting gaze. Free from the burden of myself, I am utterly His.

I will not act as if the battle is over, or that any call to academia is now null and void... rather I believe my perspective has changed. Maybe I am growing up. Maybe I am realizing there is more to life than this microcosm of intellectual intensity that surrounds me at UCLA. Maybe I need a break... time away from school so I can listen without the screaming temptation of desire to scale the wall of the intellectual elite... not that intellectualism or academia is bad - no, this is far from my belief... rather, the stigma and appeal that coincide so neatly with pride rots my perspective on scholarly achievements. If I write a book someday with a PhD next to my name, I want it to be because God, in His infinite wisdom and grace, called me to the task, not because I decided it would be a good idea to change the world in this way. And may it be so... may the grace of God precede the calling and may I be ever sensitive to discern the voice that demands humility.