Shifts

My dad asked me last night if I could write a "good blog entry." I told him I don't know what to write. But actually, I don't think I know what a "good blog entry" looks like. He meant that he is tired of me just posting pictures and little snipets to fill my page... but it got me thinking. I spent some time looking through my old blog entries - beginning with my xanga and then the entries during Europe... all the way through school, engagement, etc. My writing has definitely transformed in the past three years... I wore my heart on my sleeve in my early entries (post break up w/ the ex-bf of 4 years)... then got theological... then journalistic... and now - well - kinda random... almost newsletterish.

I'm more cautious now. Partly because my audience has expanded and changed, partly because I don't risk as much, partly because I've gotten off my soap box a bit, and partly because I have to be careful with what I say while working in a church (can't talk about the crazy conservative culture I've stepped into as much as I'd like).

This isn't an apology, nor an explanation - more just a glimpse into my thought process toward blogging right now.

All that to say...
Here's what's going on in my head/heart as of late:

I wonder if we often make idols out of our ideologies, theories, passions, etc... As if the issue of the heart becomes the focus of our life and the reason it became important in the first place is long gone. "I have a heart for _________" suddenly becomes our agenda and the Reason it was placed on our heart gets shoved aside. In trying to gain focus and perspective, we often lose the big picture... If we stare at a famous painting for hours and narrow our eyes to focus on a small detail of the picture until the small detail becomes either a blur or a splash of color - the entire painting gets boxed into the small detail we are so fixated on... I'm not talking about gifting or how we all play different roles in the Body, I'm talking about the danger of glorifying an issue/agenda/even theology to the point where we forget that it is merely a microcosm of the Kingdom. Enough ambiguity. Here is my confession:

I got stuck. Recently I found myself trapped in my own persuasions and convictions of 'proving' that women belong in leadership in the church. As you will recall from previous blog entries, this is my strife, my passion, my agenda, and so on. I even want to write a book about it - well, I did. Until it started taking over my life. I found myself walking to and fro the office convincing others (in my head) that women are, in fact, called to be a part of the ministry of the Church. I found myself volunteering to pray at staff meetings, not because I felt like Jesus had a word to say through my prayers, but because it seemed pastoral. I even found myself getting discouraged if I felt like a lesson didn't go well because I thought I needed to prove that women are capable in the pulpit. Now, of course, I do believe all these things still and I will still be the first to step up and question why we only have male elders guiding the direction of the church and why women at this church can't have the title of 'pastor,' but gone is my own personal ownership of this debate. I became so wrapped up in proving my point that my own worth, value, and sentiment became attached to it. Bitterness crept in, the chip on my shoulder slowly carved its way into my bones, and I became my own worst nightmare.

Hear my heart on this... I have not changed my beliefs or convictions - because I feel like God has placed a significant burden in my life to persevere through some very real stuff in the eyes of redemption and the role that women might have in the Kingdom - but not for the sake of proving a point - especially this point. Rather, God has chosen a crazy lady to speak some truth into the lives of His kids, and no matter what your view or theology might say, it fits into His plan.

This all came about as I was confronted with my own worst version of myself. A dear dear woman with an extremely beautiful heart spoke to me about her frustrations with the church and the lies told to women about their 'place' and so on... and as I was listening to her reactions and solutions to this problem, I actually became frightened. She was sold out to this cause - and it can't be helped because she's been burned pretty badly and she's seen women thoughtlessly cast aside - but I realized that her words didn't reflect her heart for Jesus and His kingdom, but rather for correcting some misshapen theology. And I guess there are probably times when this is good and important and necessary... but in reflection of this conversation, I found myself asking if I hadn't done the same thing. I didn't get into ministry to prove a point. I entered full time ministry because I love seeing Jesus transform His people and I feel like He's given me certain giftings to allow me to thrive in this setting. I don't need to prove what has already been approved.

I'm not sure if I articulated this very well at all... but I feel like God has shifted my heart back into a place of peace... life makes sense here. I feel free to pursue the heart of God and lead where He has placed me without the added sensation of pushing my agenda.

Maybe this makes sense for you, maybe it doesn't. I certainly don't mean to imply that people shouldn't be sold out for a cause or shouldn't spend their life working toward social change or necessary adjustments... because I think there are healthy passions and even causes to die for that God wires us to pursue... but if not done out of pure love for Jesus as an act of obedience... then my question is why.