"Discouragement is disenchanted self-love, and self-love may be love of my devotion to Jesus." Oswald Chambers
Found myself discouraged. Discouraged with my faith and what seemed to be lack of growth and of God's evident, tangible presence in my life. Discouraged with being discouraged and wanting so badly to accept grace. Stumbled upon this quote (on August 18th to be exact) and it hit me like a smack in the face...
Was it true that I had begun to love my devotion to Jesus more than Jesus? I think so, and I can explain why and how it is evident in my life. This summer has been an interesting one spiritually. I didn't go to church for 11 weeks. No Calvin Crest to challenge me and stretch me spiritually. Lack of community (although I will say that traveling with Teddy in Europe was an overwhelmingly form of grace) that I have grown used to. Worship was sung to me in my ears on my headset and rarely were there opportunities to sing aloud... not to mention the lack of community singing together. Prayer, though present, was stifled. Almost sounds like a Christian's worst nightmare, but it was so necessary to my faith that it daily astounds me. I had become so consumed with what fed me spiritually and what brought me closer to God (and for good reason), that I grew to love my devotion to Jesus and my actual faith than the core reason of my faith in the first place. Jesus. And when it was stripped away from me, my faith fizzled until I found myself extremely discouraged and for a bit, almost hopeless.
And that's just it. Where must I be in my walk? I must be in a place where Jesus is my love. I ought not be devoted to devotion, but devoted to the One who beckoned me in the first place. And I must find Jesus to be my source... and until He has ordained the vessels which so necessarily nourish me, I will find myself in Him - and Him alone. If you pray for me, pray for this time. It is good. Wierd, but good. And I should also say that home is good. I'm thoroughly enjoying the relaxation, reading, mom's cooking, talking to my parents and bro, and all the great things that come with home. Well that's my "check-in" with you all... there's my heart for you... and with that said, I am at peace and full of hope for what God' doing in me right now.
More updates: I just filled out a volunteer application for Bel Air Presbyterian high school group. I've been out of ministry for a year and I am antsy to get involved again. After 4 years with junior high, and with aspirations of working with highschoolers in the future, I figure it'd be a great opportunity to serve and to continue to discern future plans. Woohoo for senior year of college and not knowing what I'm doing with my life! ;)
Jeannette just called me about the Athletes In Action leadership retreat in September to check on dates. Yep, I'm going to be on leadership for AIA and I'm definately not an athlete through UCLA, but still felt called to the position. When two people are praying about it at the same time and a conversation happens where it just seems like God ordained it, I assume the call. Oh the adventures are to continue soon enough for sure... Might be a little scared at the moment.
Oh, and let's not forget the loan. I get to take out a loan now. More fear. Dad says I'm going to be fine and that most college students have to take out loans and that I should consider it an investment. Ok but that still doesn't change the fact that I will now be in debt and that's a scary thought. Guess it also means I have to think hard about what I want to do with my life. It'll come.
Now if you've read this and you now think I'm a stress case, it's only partially correct. I'm in a good spot. Really.
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3 comments:
Continue to learn that it is about much more than church going, and the rest of the motions. This summer I have been less involved in the church as well, but I have realized that Christ is always here, he doesn't leave me if I don't work up at a Christian camp, or if I don't go to Church every week. Oswald has some good thoughts, challenging for sure. Good luck with school about to start, and all of that, you will be fine.
i've been challenged in reading your post. it's easy to fall in love with our devotion to Christ and there find discouragement. we ought to be discouraged if we are in love with what we are doing and not with who Christ is. i miss you a lot friend. you tend to ask the hard questions and challenge more than most people. i am excited to read about your heart and know that you are indeed in a good place. stress is healthy to a point and i think you know that. i love you annie....be blessed sister :)
"The greatest competitor of devotion to Jesus is service for him". Oswald Chambers
Fernado Ortega wrote it best: Give me Jesus...
In the morning when I rise...
When I am alone...
When I come to die...
You can have all this world...
Give me Jesus.
Baby, sometimes I spend too much time in "devotion to service". The Oswald Chambers quote was used in "our Daily Bread" devotional yesterday. It really struck a cord with me. Ask yourself: Who is Jesus? After meditating on that...devotion is clearly in perpective again!
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