Back to Bonhoeffer

Today I did one of my most favorite things in the wide world (diction influenced by my viewing of Forrest Gump a few weeks ago)... I went to a cafe with the deliberate intention of spending time in the Word. So I ordered my nonfat raspberry mocha frappe and black forrest cherry cake at Coffee Heaven (similar to Starbucks but better, and yes you heard that from me) and sat down to continue my journey through Romans.

I couldn't get past Romans 12:1,2 "Therefore I urge you bretheren, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God - this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will." I feel like this is one of those scripture references that are used all the time and is rich with meaning, but since it is used so often I tend to sometimes brush over it when reading Romans 12. At the same time, it's been a powerful verse in my faith journey and during an AIM session at Calvin Crest I really took it to heart and decided to follow Jesus with my life, dying to myself and allowing Christ to live in me. At the moment I'm not sure which session it was... but I know I read it in front of the staff on the last day. Ok sorry for the sidetrack. Back to today. I was really blown away by the magnitude and the implications of this verse and felt that I just couldn't do it. I wrote in my journal: how, what? There are obvious patterns of the world, and there are less obvious. The less obvious are often the most detrimental to the soul. And at the same time, God how does this happen daily? I mean, really? I'm on vacation in Europe for 6 weeks and my deepest desire is to serve my God and to love Him and His people... and though I can possibly see this verse played out in the smaller details of the day, is that all there is to it? I think sometimes yes, and I think sometimes there's more. Naturally, because I am who I am, I wanted more. I had packed my Cost of Discipleship in my backpack this morning though I hadn't read it since my entry regarding it a few weeks ago and at this moment I felt led to pick it up again. So I did... and it led me on an amazing journey.

First let's deal with the legalism factor. Bonhoeffer notes that sometimes the worst case of legalism is the sake of ignoring a command because of fear of legalism. Case in point, let's move on. I journeyed through 4 chapters full of truth and struggle and meaning. The reading got so good that I had to order a small nonfat sugarfree vanilla latte and biscotti (p.s. there is nothing better than dipping biscotti into a hot coffee drink; It reminds me of grandma because she makes homemade biscotti that is to die for) to tie me over while I sat and read for a couple hours. I think that for now I will not share all of the things I got from Bonhoeffer because there is much and I don't think I can explain it all in one sitting. My complicated and tired little brain is still processing stuff from this morning and I'd rather not explain it all just now. However, if you want to know more, I'm an open book and will willingly share with you. I will share with you one quote for now that resonates with me before I go further into my day. "Doubt and reflection take the place of spontaneous obedience. The grown-up man with his freedom of conscious haunts his superiority over the child of obedience." Considering I analyze everything and its mother that comes my way and will often follow it to doubt, this one hit home. I wrote a ridiculous amount of Bonhoeffer's words in my journal today, so I can't share them all. But let's keep going ok?

Lunch time. Since this is my free day to do whatever the heck I want, I meandered through the cobblestone streets of Prague with David Crowder's All I Can Say album playing in my headphones and windowshopped for a while. I crossed the Charles Bridge and took in the sights of street peddlers, mass amounts of people, the gorgeous (but fake) river, and the castle in the background. When I felt like my belly was ready to eat again (I didn't want to be gluttonous so I had to give myself some rest before I went on my way to the next stop :)), I walked to Bohemia Bagel and got myself vegetable soup and a multi-corn bagel for only 55 crowns (roughly 2 US dollars). Back to Bonhoeffer again because I knew God wasn't done with my day, and as I write this now at 5:05 I know He still isn't done. Well the next couple chapters talked about suffering and bearing the cross of Jesus, and dealt very much with the Romans verse. I started getting a little frustrated as I often do because I get impatient and sometimes think for some reason that I can dictate my own faith journey and it's up to me to suffer and not God... all lies by the way. And then my thoughts wandered to a year ago... Ok, if you haven't read the Cost of Discipleship, Bonhoeffer speaks of the call to follow Jesus... to take up the cross and share in His sufferings, and then a call to trust (He uses Peter a lot as an example - the call to follow and the call to walk on water). I'm going to do a terrible job at summarizing and therefore I think I will refrain from doing so at the time being, but I will share with you what struck my heart and allowed me to see the moment in which I was called to share in His sufferings. The actual event was the breakup that I was called to and then to see that it was a road of harsh brokenness and a time where sometimes I couldn't see anything but darkness and I couldn't understand that God was crying with me. I knew He was there and I knew it was divinely appointed by Him, but it was dark nonetheless. These were my thoughts as I read today...
And now I know you cried with me.
I drank the cup of suffering and it was bitter.
You, my God, I had believed to have forsaken me.
Yet when I drank that cup you drank it with me.
Jesus' agony in the Garden and His cry became my cry.
"Let this cup pass from me, yet not my will but yours."
It was a glimpse of the cross and I carried it.
And it was triumphant, Lord.
I cried for your victory and you received it.
It was not mine to gain nor was it mine to determine, but you, my God, ordained it and through it I became your disciple.
This was the very act of grace that made me fall to my feet in adoration to my King.
Blessed Be Your Name.

Bonhoeffer writes, "To go one's way under the sign of the cross is not misery and desperation, but peace and refreshment for the soul, it is the highest joy." He was a wise man. I remember feeling the greatest joy I had ever known as I went through that trial and to see the outcome as a triumph over suffering. Jesus had to suffer on the cross before He sat at the right hand of God
because it was God's will. And we, as disciples, will be called to similar trials as God's grace will determine.

I am off to write some more on top of Petrin Hill. But, I had a deep urge to blog before I left to do so, and sometimes I don't understand myself, but then again, I'm not meant to. One of my favorite verses is Philemon 6, "I pray that you may be active in sharing your faith, so that you will have a full understanding of every good thing we have in Christ." That's why I write to you now. It's a scary thing to be vulnerable in writing on a website that many people look at... but when the Spirit leads, you can't ignore and so I pray that you will be encouraged in the faith when you read this. Blessings.
In truth and grace,
Anička