Locked Out

Funny story this morning...

At 8:16 am I went outside on my balcony to read my Bible, pray, journal, etc. I had my C.S. Lewis book of quotes with me as well. I was desparately needing the Lord. I got some good Jesus time and reflection of my thoughts, my past, and people in my life. I felt like I was done and that the Lord had blessed me with a sweet time so I decided to go back inside. Hmm. Somehow, some way the door had become locked from the inside so now I was stuck on my balcony. Ok, I thought... I bet Jesus just really needs to do some more stuff with me so I'll continue my quiet time. Ha. I read more of Mark and the Psalms, and was truly blessed by the Word. I decided once again that it was time for me to go inside now, it was time to call my mom and get ready for church. Perhaps my roommate would be up or somehow the door had mysteriously unlocked itself. Nope. Still locked out. Ok, once again I thought I just needed to be fed more so I opened up my C.S. Lewis book o' quotes and was richly blessed by his wisdom and writing. Honestly it was a really cool experience. I thought of Aslan and how he represents the Christ figure and how sweet that was, I got a few quotes on friendship that I loved, and I read about faith. All in all a good experience. I'm pretty certain by now that God must need me to go inside... I have no idea what time it is... but I'm still locked out and even though I start yelling and banging on the glass door, Tamara doesn't wake up and I'm in a really funny spot.

Well by this time I'm almost laughing. I try many things... like sticking sticks in the door, try to open Jackie's window that is close by, pound on the door harder, yell for our manager, etc. Now I start envisioning things... I sincerely wished I had rope (or guts) to attach to the palm tree right outside. My harness and caribeaner (sp?) are right inside the door (which does me no good) but if I had them I swear I would have attached myself to something and gone down Indiana Jones style. Alas, no luck. Ok so once I fully realized that I am one hundred percent locked out of my apartment and am confined to my little balcony I stopped thinking of how I could get out of the situation and decided to milk it for all it's worth.

First I started singing "make a joyful noise to the Lord" to the neighbors down below who were loading up their cars. I actually sang a number of songs- no joke - to my neighbors. I don't know if they heard me or not, but I sort of thought it was funny when I sang "I will not be silent, I will not be quiet anymore." I hope you're laughing because this is a true story and I am laughing at myself now when I think about it. Don't worry, I didn't sing loud enough to wake people up, I don't think so at least. Next I even made myself jewelry out of pineneedles (a lovely ring). After singing to the entire street and making myself little creations, I sat down and look at my journal... then I got philosophical and spiritual.

Here's the thing. I am at this rough place spiritually where I am experiencing a great lack of trust and I deeply desire for control because I think I know what is best for me. YEP. So what situation do I find myself in this morning? One where I have ZERO control and can only rely on trust that God will provide a rescuer at some point (may I tell you that I am about to miss church, haven't called my mother on mother's day yet, and have a 5 page paper due tomorrow that I have not written yet?) in His timing. Funny God. So I trust. I spent a lot of time pondering the idea of waiting on the Lord, what that means, how do we do it, etc (I think I got a good glimpse this morning of what that may sometimes entail). Then I realized that, in my state of complete lack of control, discomfort (I'm also getting hungry and really hot), trust, vulnerability, and perhaps psychoticness... I am right where God needs me to be. Because I pray that the Lord would ordain my steps of each day, and because I pray that whatever He has for me is what I truly desire, and because I believe the Lord honors these prayers, I realize full well that I am exactly where I need to be. Not only on the balcony locked out of my apartment, but also a place in my life where it's ok that I'm struggling really hard with stuff. That I am insecure about where my faith may lead me. That I am uncomfortable. That I am humbled and can only return to the cross. This is where I am and and this is where the Lord will keep me as long as He desires. He will redeem and He will rescue. It's a part of this process of learning to trust and to surrender control that God has me... and so I love that.

I love the fact that I was trapped on my balcony for THREE HOURS until my roommate woke up and found me on the balcony at 11:12 am. I needed to be there. God worked there. I missed church, still haven't called my mom, and the paper doesn't even have my name on it yet, but God divinely appointed me to wait on that balcony until He spoke to my heart and got through to my head that He loves me and adores me and is meeting my every need. And so Blessed be His name for it.

p.s. I think at some point I really do need to attach a rope to that tree and try to rapel down it. How sweet would that be?