Tonight something happened that has happened before. A couple years ago I was unable to perform CPR on a man lying on the side of the road just a couple weeks after I had gotten my lifeguarding certification. I didn't have a mask, he had vomitted, he didn't have a pulse... my training told me not to do CPR. He died.
Like Deja vu another middle aged man, overweight, lay on the ground outside of my Starbucks. When I went out there two other people were already performing CPR. The guy was doing mouth to mouth. I somewhat froze. They weren't doing it quite right- I could tell their training was outdated- but they were doing something. When I found my voice I helped coach them and reminded them to allow the vomit to come out of his mouth. He started breathing again... so they told me. I hope he lives.
I say this while I am in the midst of struggle in my heart and my head regarding the love of God. I tend to go for days, weeks, even months at a time forgetting that God loves me. Really loves me. Approves of me because of Christ's blood washed over me. But I forget. Alot. And I don't live as though the God of the universe is crazy about me. I feel like a failure much of the time. I live to please others because I can see their response. This might be why I am a people pleaser... the love given by others is almost tangible... but it's not necessarily love, perhaps approval that I can see. I sense God's desire to make me aware of His love. To grasp His love. To identify in His love. To live His love.
God loves that man on the ground today. Whether he lives or dies is ultimately up to God. God loves me too. I'm just searching to accept it.
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