Somewhere Over the Rainbow

Shawn McDonald. Anne Lamott. Bubble Bath. Chai Latte.

Soaked in the tub tonight... put my book down and listened to Shawn's voice filling the empty apartment. "Somewhere over the rainbow..." he sings. Gets me thinking. What is beyond my rainbow? What am I waiting for? Dreaming of? Hoping for? I don't really know the purpose of the song - I stop listening after "bluebirds sing." But I do think. And pray. And contemplate.
My soul is incredibly tranquil right now. "Peace that surpasses all understanding." I think that sometimes means contentment in the midst of circumstances void of common sense.
When I first started thinking about "my rainbow" - if you will - I thought about the urgent prayer requests of my heart... Please Lord... can't I know now? Should I be searching more? What do I do? And then came the peace.

In three weeks I will be married to a man I never imagined I would find. My wildest dreams never included the man I will marry because I was convinced he didn't exhist. And yet God blew me away. He's not only the man who shares my dreams and passions... he's the man who twirls me around in Kento's because Natasha Bedding is blaring over the loud speaker. He's the man who brings me my favorite flowers on a consistant basis "just because." He's the man who is not satisfied with my short, terse, and foolishly false responses to "are you ok?" - the man who relentlessly asks questions until I spill. He's the man who encourages me to cry because it is good to cry. He is the one who prays for me when I can't - and lately I can't. He's the one who holds my hand and listens as I have my emotional outbursts (which, for obvious reasons, are nearly out of control as of late). He is the one who doesn't let me get away with stupid sensitivity. He is the man who made my chai latte tonight because he's working late at the Bux. My rainbow...

In a moment of panic and frustration last week, I asked JD to remind me why we decided to get married so soon (no - I wasn't having second thoughts or doubts - not at all... I just needed to be reminded, because in the midst of wedding plans I think I forgot). He patiently told me... "because we're madly in love Annie." Oh yes... love. Phew. There really needn't be any other explanation than that. Sometimes the Call is as simple as the Desire.

I remember Orientation Week of Calvin Crest summer staff my first year. People were sharing why they chose to serve on staff and some pretty crazy stories came up. Last minute decisions, rebellion and then return, etc. etc. I remember sitting in my chair feeling rather uncomfortable. Had I been called? I didn't remember having some elaborate spiritual experience where God shoved me toward the mountain. Did that mean I wasn't really supposed to be there? These questions and more like them swirled around my head for a few moments and then I remembered... I just really wanted to be there. For most of my adolescent life I longed to be on staff at Calvin Crest and there I was. The Call.

Sometimes the Call is a radical, transforming spiritual experience. But sometimes it really just stems from a deep seated desire, instilled by the Holy Spirit, to do something. I've wanted to do youth ministry for several years now. So I'm doing it. God didn't sit me down in a chair and audibly tell me to go into youth ministry... but He might as well have because every time I think I can run from it - He just brings me back to this place, and in this place I find peace. So here I am. At peace. Excited to get married. Resting in God's presence and trusting like a child who is tired of running around asking the question "are we there yet?" I'm here and I'm waiting. The harvest is plenty and the workers are few. So let me be a worker... He'll do the rest.

Enchiladas

This post actually has nothing to do with enchiladas. My mom made some for JD, my roommates, and I because JD and I are starting to get skinny due to being poor. Such is this moment in life. Still unsure of what the day after the honeymoon holds, we treck on - trying desperately to trust our Heavenly Father. The thing about the Call - which Jesus warns his disciples about - is the fact that earthly comfort and treasures may never be the condition of our lives ("the Son of Man has no place to lay His head"). Jesus necessarily demands our willingness to give up our lives... to let go of earthly ambitions. And in the very same breath, Jesus speaks of the lilies of the field and the birds of the air and how they are dressed finely and fed heartily... Seek First. His Kingdom. I don't mean that everyone who follows Jesus will be poor... but there is something very relevant about Jesus' words. And so as JD and I daily surrender our plans, our hopes, and all the details of life to God... as we choose to obey and follow His call - we wait and hope for the glory of the King.
Logistically this means we wait for God to provide temporary and very affordable housing in LA (or elsewhere if He calls us), jobs in ministry in which both JD and I are equally involved, and whatever else it is that happens in between. Weee!

Enchiladas are done.

Season of Blessing

To be honest I don't know if I've ever felt more celebrated or loved than in this season of my life. No doubt I've felt the grace and compassion of the body of Christ when I've gone through seasons of sorrow or sadness... but in this hour I just feel loved for who I am - not for the circumstances I'm in that might warrant encouragement, sympathy, and prayer - but just because God has placed people in my life who love me. Yesterday I attended my second bridal shower. Some of my bridesmaids and friends put it on for me in an adorable park nestled in the neighborhood just beyond UCLA. Old trees cornered the park and quaint paths weaved over mounds of well manicured grass. Our little corner was marked off with balloons, decorated chairs, flowers, tables with exquisite food (thanks Caitlin), a handmade bookcase for our book collection, and pictures of JD and I hanging from a tree. It literally took me off guard... all this work... in celebration of me and my upcoming marriage. And the people... old roommates, friends from out of town, current roommates, beloved high school friends... all there to bless me and send me in to this marriage with their love and support. The games were fun - not cheesy - just genuine good, personal, and relevant fun. Games that reflect who I am and who my friends are to me... Gifts were also fun - not too many details there... but oh isn't marriage exciting?
After the shower Cait, Jen, and I went to Novel Cafe and talked for hours over cranberry iced tea and lattes. Just like old times... Reliving moments, updating each other on new ones, laughing about each other's unique quirks that make us so fond of one another... Just sisters in Christ reveling in each other and in God's goodness.
This morning I opened up the journal that the girls made for me and wrote in - all the guests wrote on pages throughout the journal - and of course I peaked. Reading the reflections and well wishes of such precious friends just struck in me how little of who they see is me. My response to their words is to feel nothing short of amazement. God uses me, loves me, blesses me, and moves me even when I feel like I'm in the dryest of deserts. I am overwhelmed.
Words really can't say how grateful I am at this point. The blessings of my friends and family - both mine and JD's just seems to big for me. I am literally left speechless because I don't know how I can ever thank them enough for planning the wedding, showers, trips to New York, paying for our honeymoon, throwing me surprise showers, calling me to ask how they can help, taking over responsibilities of the bride just so I can spend more time with JD, making me bookshelves and rich food, writing notes and cards of encouragement with words that touch the core of my heart, and over all - just being super excited about this marriage that is so clearly ordained by the Lord. I can't help but just be excited about the fact that in 40 days, I will marry the man of my dreams and have the support of the world behind me. I couldn't have asked for a better wedding present or life gift. So thank you those who pray, those who encourage, those who teach me, those who give gifts, those who sing songs, those who are generous... thank you. May God bless you in His great abundance as you have blessed me...