Talking to Fraser in the car and then Gladys over BBQ dinner opened my eyes to something last night. I am marrying into a family rich with spiritual heritage. I knew JD's family loved God - there was no question about that... but the depth to which their faith extended, I hadn't a clue. It started to hit me when Fraser, JD's dad, started sharing his journey of faith and the glimpses of God that the Holy Spirit had given him that I was joining a family that knew and understood and lived for Jesus. Fraser started talking about the formation of Virginia's (JD's mom) family and how he met Virginia and I was blown away by the process of which God so divinely inserted His hand. My realization that God was entering me into this family for purposes that surpassed JD and I was confirmed when I listened to Gladys' (JD's grandmother) story. Her experiences of life are truly marked by the Maker's hand, and though the road has been hard for her, God has taken her on a journey that could parallel one of the Old Testament heroes.
When I think about marriage, I think about the union of two people, in my case, - JD and me. And yet we are merely two people who are part of a much larger picture... With this marriage, God is joining two families - both of which have a remarkable spiritual depth and display of love. I am beginning to understand the Spiritual significance of this marriage, and it includes heritage and geneology. God loves geneology. The entire Old Testament outlines the geneological history of families of the faith (all the way until Jesus' birth - which came through the line of David). There is something that God does spiritually through families. I'm so excited to see how God works in our marriage, and how He uses each of us as individuals to add to the spiritual heritage of each other's families.
I feel like I've only brushed the surface to understanding what God is doing and what it means to marry into another family. I am still discovering more about myself, my own family's heritage, and my fiance's family history... And with each new piece of knowledge, I get more and more excited to marry this man and start our journey together as husband and wife. My desire is that together we would be a force for Christ in this world, because there is no doubt in my mind that His hand has ordained this marriage.
Monday, June 19, 2006
I'm an alumni
I graduated. WOOHOO!!! I guess I'm still processing the significance of the occasion... Lauren's gone and Anna's leaving. It's Monday morning and I don't have class to attend or reading to do. Wierd. More later. The big new is, I graduated from UCLA.
Saturday, June 10, 2006
A Little of My Heart
I realize that I should be reading Shakespeare right now, and I probably will as soon as I am done with this entry. But sometimes there are occasions to write because the heart yearns to be heard...
This is a wierd season for me. Good, but wierd nonetheless. What does it mean that I'm graduating in a week? What does it mean that I'm getting married in less than five months? What does it mean that the dynamics of many of my relationships have and will continue to change? What does it mean that my ideas of ministry, that the longing of my heart for past ministries are no longer options? Why do I look forward to the next step so eagerly, and yet look at the shaping moments of my life with such fondness that I feel like I could go back to them in a second - not to stay, but to visit (i.e. Calvin Crest).
The truth is, I am His. I belong to no one but the Father. Not my parents, not my friends, not JD... but Him. I am His. He calls me and I go. Sometimes stubbornly, sometimes reluctantly, sometimes willingly, sometimes eagerly, sometimes fearfully... but I always go. That's the nature of my heart. In the act of being His, I am accountable to Him - to trust Him and to abide with Him. I am reminded of when I had a bone tumor my sophomore year of high school. My parents were devestated and scared, but they realized that I wasn't theirs. I was and continue to be God's. He does with me what He wants and the world has no say in it. Do I understand that? Do I live freely in that? Am I willing to understand that people are hurt by that? Do I entrust others to Him just as He has entrusted myself to Him? Do I realize that just as He is doing a work in me, He is doing so in others too? Or am I so self absorbed that I live my life pleasing people and worrying about their feelings?
Enough, He says.
Move with me, He summons.
I am on this path right now... this journey that is taking me somewhere. I know of some of His plans, I am confident of marriage and something to do with seminary... but I have no idea where He is taking me. I've stopped trying to figure it out - I'm trying to live in it now. I know that the cry of my heart is to live unreservedly for Jesus, to live 'radically' (as I so often used to say) for the furtherance of the Kingdom. And although my heart isn't always in it, although the desert of this faith keeps me wondering, I know that He shaped my heart first and claims it always.
More than ever I am learning to be confident of who I am in Christ... and it doesn't lie in my talents, spiritual gifts, dreams, relationships, struggle with sin, sins that I've committed, etc... Who I am rests solely in being claimed by Him. It is here that I find freedom.
Right now I smell a campfire. I realize I'm in the middle of the city - and it is probably just a BBQ or something - but it brings me back to a nostalgic place nonetheless. In this place I am sitting around a campfire with a handful of brothers and sisters in Christ. We're roasting marshamallows and singing to the strum of a guitar. We play hotseat, getting to know each other in our vulnerability. Plans are being made for the summer... and we laugh. a lot. I'm taken back there and then taken to the idea that there will be more campfires to come. More fellowship around an intimate circle... more laughs... I'm reminded that we go through seasons and that it is necessary. That our faith is not meant to be stagnant, but rather ever changing... So here we go in this thing called life... We go boldly into the next season because He is guiding us. We understand that our call is not to live comfortably, but to live willing to be stretched and changed and transformed.
It's late now, and this entry is long. It's a bit scattered I know... but in the midst of the cluttered words, there is a piece of my heart. Good night friends. Rest well.
This is a wierd season for me. Good, but wierd nonetheless. What does it mean that I'm graduating in a week? What does it mean that I'm getting married in less than five months? What does it mean that the dynamics of many of my relationships have and will continue to change? What does it mean that my ideas of ministry, that the longing of my heart for past ministries are no longer options? Why do I look forward to the next step so eagerly, and yet look at the shaping moments of my life with such fondness that I feel like I could go back to them in a second - not to stay, but to visit (i.e. Calvin Crest).
The truth is, I am His. I belong to no one but the Father. Not my parents, not my friends, not JD... but Him. I am His. He calls me and I go. Sometimes stubbornly, sometimes reluctantly, sometimes willingly, sometimes eagerly, sometimes fearfully... but I always go. That's the nature of my heart. In the act of being His, I am accountable to Him - to trust Him and to abide with Him. I am reminded of when I had a bone tumor my sophomore year of high school. My parents were devestated and scared, but they realized that I wasn't theirs. I was and continue to be God's. He does with me what He wants and the world has no say in it. Do I understand that? Do I live freely in that? Am I willing to understand that people are hurt by that? Do I entrust others to Him just as He has entrusted myself to Him? Do I realize that just as He is doing a work in me, He is doing so in others too? Or am I so self absorbed that I live my life pleasing people and worrying about their feelings?
Enough, He says.
Move with me, He summons.
I am on this path right now... this journey that is taking me somewhere. I know of some of His plans, I am confident of marriage and something to do with seminary... but I have no idea where He is taking me. I've stopped trying to figure it out - I'm trying to live in it now. I know that the cry of my heart is to live unreservedly for Jesus, to live 'radically' (as I so often used to say) for the furtherance of the Kingdom. And although my heart isn't always in it, although the desert of this faith keeps me wondering, I know that He shaped my heart first and claims it always.
More than ever I am learning to be confident of who I am in Christ... and it doesn't lie in my talents, spiritual gifts, dreams, relationships, struggle with sin, sins that I've committed, etc... Who I am rests solely in being claimed by Him. It is here that I find freedom.
Right now I smell a campfire. I realize I'm in the middle of the city - and it is probably just a BBQ or something - but it brings me back to a nostalgic place nonetheless. In this place I am sitting around a campfire with a handful of brothers and sisters in Christ. We're roasting marshamallows and singing to the strum of a guitar. We play hotseat, getting to know each other in our vulnerability. Plans are being made for the summer... and we laugh. a lot. I'm taken back there and then taken to the idea that there will be more campfires to come. More fellowship around an intimate circle... more laughs... I'm reminded that we go through seasons and that it is necessary. That our faith is not meant to be stagnant, but rather ever changing... So here we go in this thing called life... We go boldly into the next season because He is guiding us. We understand that our call is not to live comfortably, but to live willing to be stretched and changed and transformed.
It's late now, and this entry is long. It's a bit scattered I know... but in the midst of the cluttered words, there is a piece of my heart. Good night friends. Rest well.
HA HA
So JD and I were just asked to be apart of the Middle School skit for Student Sunday at Bel Air Pres... what's so funny about this? Well... first of all, Bel Air is home to many professional actors and those striving to break through into the industry, and JD and I are nothing of the sort... Secondly, we act as a couple who gets divorced. Apparently we're getting divorced before we get married!
Grrr
Do you ever feel like you have soooo much to do that you don't even know where to begin and so you do something else instead? That's the story of my life right now. I started working on a paper today, got sidetracked, and watched two movies instead. I'm going to bed. Tomorrow is a new day. Here's to hoping I graduate.
Monday, June 05, 2006
Something's Missing
I am missing community. I put myself in too many communities, not ever fully experiencing the body of Christ in any of them. It was my attendance and not my heart that showed up. I will be glad when my responsibilities with some of these communities is over. Not because I don't value the ministry or the people, but because I did too much this year. Each day was filled with some sort of commitment and it drained everything I had in me to the point of feeling utterly empty. I didn't realize what it was until yesterday. I feel like I robbed my aparment of myself this year. I feel like I sometimes robbed JD of myself this year. I certainly robbed my family and close friends of myself. And I most definately robbed the ministries I was involved in this year. And I was robbed too. But lesson learned. This is not a lamentable entry where I regret my entire senior year... no. I learned. I am so looking forward to simplicity. I can't wait until I am able to rest in my own space, to spend time carefully and not flagrantly. To go wherever He calls me to. Jesus did nothing without asking the Father first. I need to learn this. So I press on to take hold of the prize... and I know now there is no rush.
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