Sleepyhead

Chaucer got the best of me last night. Studied the Cantebury Tales until the wee hours of the morning and woke up with fog brain. The words were blury as I wrote my 7 page essay and completed my final at 10 am this morning. These are the times when I am not a fan of school. Anyhow, tonight will be a repeat as I study the heck out of West Africa and then onto British Lit from 1860- present for Monday. Nothing substantial to say except I sure hope my professors can sort through the bundle of words scribbled out on paper each time I take a final. Come Monday night at 6pm I'll be dancing in the streets.... Oh just counting down the number of sleepless nights to follow... Praise God for caffeine and Vitamin B supplements (that's for you dad).

Let's talk about sex

Allow me to be vulnerable for a moment here. Now I realize my parents, grandparents, aunts, and perhaps uncles read this blog, and this is an awkward topic to address - but I can't act as if what I want to talk about has not at one point in time been a struggle for them as well. And if I want the Church to be real about it, I'm going to have to be real about it. So here goes...

It was my turn to talk tonight at Women's night for Athletes In Action. Earlier today, when I was thinking about what God would have me say, He gave me a glimpse of women being honest and open with one another - honest about struggles, honest about what God was teaching her, honest about whatever... and then praying about it together as a group. I saw this vision and wasn't sure what it entailed. I decided to share what God had been revealing to me about faith and future, english, prayer, etc - cuz that's what God is teaching me about. But I think God, in His vision for this night, almost dared me to take it further. I think He wanted me to be open with a struggle that so many of us face. I didn't really want to go there, however, and so I just prayed that God would work in spite of me and move the night according to the Holy Spirit's will. With that prayer prayed in earnest, I began by just sharing about how God's given me a peace about the future and how that whole process is unfolding (another story entirely, but I'm not really ready to blog about it yet). And that proved to be good. We had a good discussion about it and then I just opened it up to the girls to chat about struggles, lessons learned, etc... and wouldn't you know - the topic I wanted to shy away from actually came up... the S. word. That being sexual purity of course. Three women (small group tonight and I believe God ordained it to be that way) in the same spot, facing the same struggle that all couples in love face, and still desperately wanting to obey God through it.

Tonight we were real with one another. Finally. I hate to criticize, but I feel like the only training I got from the Church was - don't do it. Set boundaries, read books, have self control and you'll be golden. Nothing more. Nothing about the fact that it would probably be the hardest struggle I have faced thus far. No temptation has met me face to face as much as this one. And furthermore, it is known among the Christian community as one of the most taboo sins - the evil sin. The big one. Now, we know that's a lie - but let's face it, most of us in Christian circles - no matter how liberal or conservative they may be- believe sex out of marriage is the ultimate sin. Forget pride, spite, jealousy, selfishness, etc. No, it's sex. Now don't get me wrong - I agree that God is VERY clear in His word that sex is meant to be between a husband and a wife in the context of marriage, and furthermore, I made a decision very early on in life to remain a virgin until I get married - and I plan to stick to that decision. However - there are many things that bother me about the topic of sex and how it is being addressed within the Church today. And to be honest, a lot of it stems from guilt. Because if you are a Christian and you have sex before marriage - chances are you will either become numb, or extremely guilt ridden and feel as if you may no longer approach God. What a tool satan uses in that guilt. I know this because I've had conversation after conversation with dear friends and aquaintances who have "messed up" and who have felt as if they were too unworthy to even pray (that's why we need grace, but again - another topic). And I also know this because I might possibly be the most guilty conscious person alive on this earth and any time I mess up in this area of purity I feel like I'm a terrible person. Ok, not really but at one time I did. God's dealt with me severely on this issue and I can gladly say that I have never been more assured of my good standing with God because of His son than now.

Back to the topic of sex now. Sorry, this is going to be a long blog entry but it's a big topic and I am only going to brush the surface of it. Tonight as we were talking, we shared what helped us remain pure, why it's such a freaking hard struggle that makes me want to fight someone ;), what God says about it, where His grace is what we rely on, etc. And I suppose now I'm just going to share what I've been learning - because it's a daily learning process... So here goes.

Where I'm coming from: Ok. This is where it gets embarassing but I'm going to be real here. I'm super into this boy and have never felt this way before in my life about another person. Same from his side. Good thing. This relationship is good. God has so divinely arranged it that it really couldn't have been made clearer (once again - another story). The desire is good and it is real and it is God given. But physically, we have to control it. I'd like to think suppress it, but "control" is probably more correct and thus I will stick to that. So yeah, picture a couple madly in love, super physically attracted to each other, and committed to chastity. That's us.

What I'm learning: It's a daily thing. I cannot force myself to think about the fact that it will be awhile before we can get married (though that verse "better to marry than burn with passion" could certainly apply here)... because that just scares me and makes me think it's impossible. So I will focus on today. God's grace and strength for today. When we mess up, as Lewis says:
"You must ask for God'd help. Even when you have done so, it may seem to you for a long time that no help, or less help than you need, is being given. Never mind. After each failure, ask forgiveness, pick yourself up, and try again."
I've also learned a TON about grace and what it means to struggle with sin. I've meditated on Romans 7,8 numerous times and I feel like I'm learning a whole new side of God's character and love for us. He's amazing. Furthermore, along with what I was talking about earlier, struggling with sexual purity is not the sin of all sins. It is a sin of the flesh - and while it is certainly associated with spiritual sins, it is not, as Lewis calls it, a "diabolical sin" which is more concerned with spiritual sins including pride, jealousy, putting yourself before others, not loving others, etc... Not meant to justify it, but I feel like our perspective is so off sometimes.

There are more things to discuss here. I could fill a whole book with what I've been learning about this because it incorporates SO much of my walk with God and how I see Him and others. But for now, I think I will leave it as it is. Feel free to comment and discuss this area... and mom and dad, I know you're worried about me but please know that God is sovereign and even though it's a struggle, He gets the victory ;).

i heart papers

There are circles under my eyes. A cup that once contained a grande nonfat sugarfree hazelnut latte sits to my left and a stack of books to my right. 3 cups of coffee later, I've become one with the computer screen and the keyboard knows my fingers well. A note of encouragement from Cait sits atop the now finished papers as I finally exhale. Done... 100 miles away my papers are being turned in by the hands that so often hold mine... Good news. I wrote 20 pages in the last two days and I can finally rest. Finals seem like a breeze compared to what I just went through.

Johnsonian style. Backloaded blog. Spirituality and English. Get it?

Anticipating next quarter. Signed up for classes today at 6:50am. Taking four? 3 english classes and a history class perhaps? Question mark because I'm not really sure I can handle it, I just like the idea of taking on something huge - and maybe getting through it. Might dropp a class and am ok with that... Right now I'm sitting in a puddle of papers. 6-8 pages for an english paper due Monday and a lovely 12-15 pages for West African history also due Monday. Life is pushed back until Monday and these three days of my life will be dedicated to reading, writing, revising, and writing some more.

But the victory, I suppose, is my final decision to continue pursuing english despite the fact that for several moments in the past few days a senior spring quarter with only 3 easy history classes sounded extremely appealing to me... but let's be honest - not my style. I like to load up on as much hard work as possible - why should my potential but probably not last quarter at UCLA be any different? But back to english. Something about it pursues me even when I run. I've contemplated dropping the minor, dropping classes, etc. several times... but right when I need to make a decision concerning it - I am wooed by words... words written centuries ago, written 50 years ago, written yesterday... words that have no meaning to me, words that enlighten me, words that encompass me, words that I'd rather not read again because they confuse me (ie. "In Parenthesis")...

Something clicked for me yesterday while I sat in Chaucer and listened to my professory teach medieval Roman Catholic theology, while I analytically read "Happy Days" by Samuel Beckett and loved it, while I listened to JD describe the canonical satire of Mark Twain, while I prepared for my final paper in the 10 series (3 courses considered the "weeder" courses for the english major/minor) and realized that I had a cohesive argument in comparing Samuel Beckett's "Happy Days" with Elizabeth Barret Browning's "The Romaunt of Margaret" in examining the author's depiction of failing human love...

So I carry on. Thinking perhaps there is something divine in this pursual of english. My prayers about the future, prayers that God would make me fall in love with the things He loves, that I would persevere through hard classes, failings, disappointment, and frustration to know Him and know His will... That He would give me grace to see as He sees... trusting that this is happening and trusting that there is His Sovereignty in my passions... trusting that I am placed here to pursue until God directs me elsewhere... trusting that I've acknowledged I don't desire my will over His... I write this and realize that I'm not meant to decide where God may use me for His kingdom - choice, yes. But what I mean in that statement - is that God has perhaps called me to something higher and much different than I could have ever imagined, and even though I may think I know where I may best be used for the kingdom - the reality is that it's not mine to decide. As His servant, as a daughter of the King who longs only to do His will, I hand over the decisions to Him. He makes me move... And maybe it's just time to submit and realize anything less is settling. Being called to the higher road and I didn't realize it was in education.