The Novel Cafe

I wrote for 2 hours this morning in my absolute favorite place in Westwood, and maybe one of my favorite places ever. Outside the Novel Cafe are colorful mosaic tables lined with gorgeous flower pots. When you enter, there are big black leather sofas (modern and sassy are good words to describe the sofas) and chairs for eating, studying, lounging, talking, whatever. There are a few tables amongst the sofas to set your food down or to lay your books on. The atmosphere is such that you really just want to take your shoes off and sit indian style on the couch (which I appropriately did). The music is at the perfect level and good tunes are always on. Upstairs is more of a cafe scene. There are tables and chairs and an espresso bar with all kinds of goodness coming from it. Along the walls are book shelves where you can take a book and read, swap books, or merely admire the presence of words coming to life in a grandios display.

Let me tell you about the food. Divine. Omelettes, sandwhiches, gourmet oatmeal with raisins and walnuts, fruit, salads, pasta, and pancakes with strawberries, bananas, and blueberries are just some of the goodness on the menu (If I were my cousins Sean and Julie Oldroyd, I would know what kind of pasta and omelettes and salads they have, but I forget. I know the oatmeal was gourmet though and that sounds better than regular). Here's the best part... the drinks. They come in bowl-like mugs on a saucer with a spoon on the side. The creamy foam is unlike any other foam I have ever tasted or made. So far I have enjoyed a chai latte, mocha, and irish creme latte. This morning I went for the Irish creme because I was feeling cultured and it sounded smart (plus I was writing and I think that I believed the Irish Creme would inspire me). The waiters let you sit and do your thing while only occasionally checking up on you. You are free to stay as long as you like.

It is a place where I am allowed to sit and dream. There are big windows for people watching if you are on the bottom floor, and thickly painted brown walls upstairs for good concentration. I have gone a few times with friends, and really, not much needs to be said when you are inside Novel. Sometimes the atmosphere speaks for itself and other times the books you are reading draw a connection between you and the other person without words needing to be spoken. As students we usually go there to study... yet we can't help but study with smiles on our faces for the treasure we've found in the Novel. It is where I am free to write and explore my mind, my past, the present, and dream of the future. I think about God a lot in the Novel. It's one of those places, dear to my heart.

words of encouragement

"you were bought with a price; do not become slaves of men." 1 cor 7

Only the Savior can

To finally trust and truly trust is like dipping your face into a crisp, clear stream of water that quenches the deepest thirst of longing to be at peace with your Savior.


Waiting Room by shane barnard

i will run when i cannot walk
i will sing when there is no song
i will pray when there is no prayer
i will listen when i cannot hear

sitting in the waiting room of silence
waiting for that still soft voice i know
offering my words up to the rooftop to Your heart
trusting that this closet's where You are

Lord i know if i change my mind
You will change my heart in time
Sovereign Lord this time's from You
so i sit in the waiting room of silencecause its all about You

i will fight when i cannot feel
i will trust when You dont seem real
i will tell when i cannot speak
i will step when i cannot see

And this is revival...

Like one with their hands raised toward Heaven
a heart full
in a field layered with soft grass and laced with beautiful wildflowers
of joy and laughter
sun radiating the glory of creation
with peace that surpasses all understanding
running assuredly toward the arms of the One who loves

Love is in the air... ???

Run on the beach this morning was divine. Actually, it was quite painful. My shoulder hurt, I had shin splints, and my foot had a cut that really bothered me. Ok so I had to stop and walk for a bit, but that walk I swear was just what I needed. There is something magical about walking on the beach and talking with God... So I thought I'd address some things that have just surrounded me lately; things in conversation, thoughts, prayer, and culture. Things about love.

I am in an interesting and gracious place in my life in regards to relationships and love, but I have had so many conversations lately where the enemy is causing fear, doubt, anxiety, sorrow, and bitterness toward relationships. If it isn't fear, it's lust for a relationship that is driving people. The desire for a relationship and lack of contentment without one is a major scheme of the enemy that plagues my peers... and probably many more in this culture of today. With these emotions, desires, fears, or whatever the heck you want to call it comes the spirit of control that we so desparately try to hang on to.
I would be lying if I didn't say that I am often prone to wanting to control my situations and circumstances to fit what I envision to be a desireable outcome. In fact, since my singleness (after a serious 4 year relationship that I had once envisioned leading to marriage), I often catch myself imagining, dreaming, or wondering how I will meet my future husband (oh so girly and hard to admit... but hang on, I'm getting somewhere). Then I will decide an ideal way to meet someone or start a relationship or whatever... and then I'll pray about it because I desire an honest and open relationship with God, and then something will happen similarly to what I envisioned (which I end up not liking at all) to prove to me that I have no idea how or what I want to have happen. Hmm. Ultimately I come back to the conclusion that I really want no control in this. I have no clue. I don't need to know. I don't want to know. I don't want to even think about it. Ok so here's where I am now (sorry for the scatteredness of it all):
So grateful to be where I am finally. After oh about um 6 years of dating, crushes, dreaming, etc... I am in a state of surrender to my Lord and loving that I am able to be loved by my God in such a fulfilling way. I think that I didn't believe I could ever reach this point- that it would be something my heart always struggled with or that I would think about constantly... but God and God alone can change hearts and bring you to your knees so that only He will satisfy and that you only desire for Him to satisfy. Not trying to be a Pollyana here and say that I am struggle-free or unrealistically fulfilled, but the fact of the matter is that we serve a big God... and I asked Him to change my heart, to tune it to His, to fill my life with uncircumstantial joy, and under His authority He did.
We have little faith that He can and will bring us out of our sin, out of our fleshy desires, and out of the strongholds of the enemy. We have little faith that we can give up control if we give Him the reigns. How often do I hear people say to me, "I've tried so hard to give everything to God and it just never goes away. I guess I will always struggle with this." B.S. Who is our God? Who heals the blind, the lame, the broken, the needy ones? Who died upon the cross so we could be FREE? Don't ever say that you can't be healed or that God can't and won't change you. We were meant to be free, to live in the freedom of the grace of God. I won't deny that it is a process and that it may take time... but relish in the process!!! Daily surrender to Him! He is so faithful!!!
For those of you struggling with insecurity of the faith or unbelief or doubt or anxiety or wanting to meet your future spouse right now... pray. Pray and believe! Repent, turn from your sin with God's HELP. He is our Helper! Deny yourself so that He can fulfill your every desire! The enemy would want nothing more than to distract you from God's purpose by telling you that for some reason you need a romantic relationship and should focus on every guy or girl who comes your way. You don't. Not now. Trust. Here's what Jackie told me this morning when I was discussing this with her: Let God surprise you! - I was commenting on the irony of every time I think I know what I want and how I want it to happen God proves me wrong... and she looked at me and said, "maybe you should not think at all about how it should happen... maybe you should let Him surprise you and not let your focus be altered." She's a wise one that woman. I'll admit I was defensive at first, thinking that I might perhaps be too good for that sort of struggle (hello pride why don't you just step in and reveal yourself right now?). Then my shins hurt me so bad I had to walk and I let her run ahead of me. Then God spoke. I'm better now. I too am part of a process of restoring my faith to Him. Truly content with my heart and knowing that it rests in the palm of His hands... content that I imperfect but that God is refining my faith because it is precious to Him.
"The Jesus said to his disciples, 'If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.'" Matthew 16:24

Just clean your room...

After that last post, I took a nap. I woke up refreshed and with a new sense of purpose. Went into the living room and chatted with Jackie (as I so often love to do) and we started talking about marriage, the commitment it entailed (she is engaged by the way), and eventually how we wanted to daily surrender to our Lord and die to ourselves. You see, when I envision this, I think about something extreme and radical- to die and abandon myself to Jesus would be a great thing; if I did that every day my life would be so extreme! But I don't. I'll admit it. Many times a day I will live for myself and die to no one.
I started thinking about a marriage, and the reality that the commitment at the alter is, in a sense, to abondon one's self to the service of another. Granted this is often skewed and takes form in many ways... but I'm pretty sure that's the idea of love in a marriage ordained by God. Yeah I'm pretty dang selfish and definately no where close to marriage, but it certainly got me thinking about dying to my Savior day in and day out and what that looked like.
It was almost simple really. I was instantly convicted of areas that, simply put, I never died to. I am lazy, sloppy, frantic, selfish, and undisciplined. Soooo, to ignore conviction would be a terrible thing. I went and cleaned my room thoroughly, attended discussion, cleaned the dishes, am going for a walk, and am taking care of business. This is how I can die to myself today and live under the discipline of God's hand who lovingly calls me His. Sometimes it's the mundane things that serve God and serve others. Besides, I like my desk when it's tidy and so does my roommate.

Need to get it together

Need to tithe
Need to rest
Need to dig into the Word
Need to listen
Need to respond
Need to trust
Need to discipline

It's tough some times

Hard things are happening. Not necessarily to me, but to friends. To people. Brokenness is happening. Really I have learned that brokenness is that moment when a person has no choice but to surrender and then Christ shines. He comes in and exposes. It leaves a person raw. Sometimes you can't see the light. Yet down on your knees because you have no other place to go is where you draw strength from Yahweh (I AM) the most. It is an empowering place, to be on your knees.
My heart breaks for the struggles of people. For broken hearts. Broken relationships. Broken spirits. Yet Blessed is he who is meek, poor in spirit, broken. I think my heart breaks more for those plagued with apathy and complacency... or a life absent of brokenness. There is no greater thing than to be at the sheer mercy of God' grace in a situation you have no control over. There is no greater thing than to be brutally and violently exposed to God's good good love that is absolutely abundant. The best 5 months of my life spiritually have been the hardest 5 months of my life... yet I look back to them and smile because God was sovereign and He revealed Himself to me because I had no choice but to accept it and submit.
Hurting friends, take heart. Be encouraged. This pain is by His grace. Remember the cross. Identify with Jesus, and know He has overcome.
"In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while, if need be, you have been grieved by various trials. That the genuineness of your faith, being much more precious than gold that perishes, though it is tested by fire, may be found to praise, honor, and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ." 1 Peter 6,7

Hit and Run equals No Fun

We had a beautiful day planned out. Jackie and I were headed to the beach for a good long run, Bible and journal time, and studying on the beach... so great. Well, those plans lasted about 15 minutes. We were headed westbound on Wilshire Blvd. in bumper to bumper traffic (pretty typical in LA) when we noticed a car with squeaky breaks in the lane next to us. Two minutes later we were completely stopped and the same car with squeaky breaks rear ended us with a lot of force. Both Jackie and I lurched forward and I instantly felt a sore neck. Based on the impact and the sound we really thought there had to be some terrible damage. We started switching lanes to pull over and the guy initially started following us. I had a terrible suspicion about this guy and Jackie thought to take his liscense plate number... we contined the merge. The only place with enough room to pull over to the side was a little exit that led to the VA center so we took. The driver in the pick up behind us acted as if he would take it too... but then decided to merge back into traffic conveniently right after it was too late for us to merge. Therefore, Jackie and I had gotten off Wilshire and the other guy hadn't. Hit and Run. We contacted police, got all the information necessary, yadda yadda yadda. Luckily the damage was really minimal and no significant injuries. However, my neck was really bothering me so I mentioned it to the police officer who preceded to tell me it would be a felony (hit and run with injury... not good for our friend who hit us). After talking to lawyers and parents, we decided it was necessary to get checked out by a doctor. We were pretty shaken up and felt like we had just got the snot kicked out of us. SOOOO we went to the ER. 5 1/2 hours later we were told that we would in fact be even more sore two days later. No injuries except lots of pain. grrrrrrrrr. It's funny how one man's actions completely changed our day. Wow.
The only thing to ease the pain were my mom's homemade enchiladas that we had in our freezer, Jackie's cornbread, way too much ice cream, wedding invitation making, and Thirteen going on Thirty. So we used that remedy.

Alive, Awake, Alert, Enthusiastic!

I was just singing and thought I'd blog it.

yesterday

Yesterday I had one of those days. From the moment I woke up and discovered I had less than ten minutes to get ready before class because I had overslept... to the discovery that I couldn't do physical therapy on campus but had to go elsewhere (I might add that I confess I was not an example of Christ's love to the nurse when I found this out, but that's another story in and of itself)... to not being prepared in discussion... to showing up to work late... to feeling way behind in all my schoolwork (and it's only week two!)... to being behind in work alllllll night because the order came in, dishes were stacked, and customers kept walking in that door! (not to mention the bazillion frappuccinos we had to make)... to coming home half an hour later than I would have liked to.... what a day. I asked a friend to pray for me, because I was gasping for a sense of joy and peace in the midst of the stressful day. She did. She's a good friend. I went home and vented to my roomie who very graciously served me with her ears, her heart, and a calm, loving voice who told me not to be stressed, and offered to stretch with me while we read our books for class. We ate the best cornbread ever with butter and honey and drank passion peach tea. A beautiful ending to my day. Thank God for joy and peace and friends who pray for us.

Gabe, me (I'm ducking so the Little Italy sign will show), Kari, and Liam. We're missing Rob because he had to go back to Spokane and we didn't grab a shot of our whole team before he left... :( Notice how clean we are!

The Weekend

Had a blast with my team... can't tell you how exciting it was to have a group hug when we were all together again! We had a great prayer session on a big rock on the shore with waves spraying us ever so often when they crashed against the wall nearby. We were even joined by some seals! Maybe surreal, but so fantastic to sit next to the ocean with blankets and graham crackers to check in with one another, pray for each other, and love each other.
The weekend consisted of a long beach day (of which Rob couldn't be apart of because he had to travel back to Spokane and we missed him dearly) complete with walks, frisbee, lounging, reading, etc. (We were joined by Lily which was so much fun... she will be OP coordinator this summer and it was great to share with her and learn from her); dinner in Little Italy; wrong turns; trips to Starbucks; lounging in Landon Bogan's hotel room where we crashed for a night because it was raining on the beach; drinking tea; reminiscing; laughter; and more prayer. I might add, however, that an Outpost prayer session would not be complete unless the words "and Lord, please heal Annie" was apart of it. For crying out loud I am having a relapse of what I fear to be bronchitis... and spent the majority of the time coughing my lungs up. Not fun. I was just getting over a cold until Kari and I drove down to San Diego and all the sudden I started coughing, and haven't stopped since. What is it about Outpost huh? haha aside for the almost comical occurence of a stupid cold, the weekend couldn't have been better for me.
Spiritually I am rejuvinated. I am revived. The Lord has put a new song in my heart... and I'm ready to sing again.

Hot team!!! From left to right: Rob, Lang, Kari Maddox, Liam Bogan, Annie Burdette, Gabe Knox

Outpost Reunion approaching

Sooo I have these people that I love. Alot. A whole lot. There are four individuals who are very dear to my heart and have enriched my life with an understanding of community that is truly unique to Christian love. Let's face it... we all love each other tremendously. The Outpost team of 2004 is about to have a reunion (yes, a reunion) for a short while this weekend and we are so excited we could pee our pants.
The five of us; Rob Lang, Liam Bogan, Kari Maddox, Gabe Knox, and I were put together by the grace of God for the divine purpose of not only running a camp (Outpost and Miwok - more infor at www.calvincrest.com ), but to experience the body of Christ and community like never before. Complete with a summer of adorable children, hard children, young adults, worship, brokenness, testyness, love, adoration, intense prayer, campfire and s'mores, hatchet throwing, hiking, and sharing the love of Jesus... my team holds such a powerful spot in my life. My gratitude is unending for their support for me during my injuries and brokenness... physically, emotionally, and spiritually. It became very evident that God had hand-picked our team for the trials that were to come and to serve Him with our gifts and talents. For sure God used each one of them in a beautiful way as campers came to know the Lord, redidacte their lives, and learn about the amazing God we serve. Because they are all so special to me I thought I'd write a little bit about each one...

From left to right in order of the picture above:
Rob Lang (Rising Falcon): Our fearless leader. And what a leader he is. Rob was our coordinator, and the in-charge guy. He did a fantastic job running Outpost and keeping our team in check. His heart is one that turns to God through prayer immediately. His source of strength and capability comes from the Lord and he knows that... and he knows where to turn. He is selfless. I can't tell you how much he sacrificed for our team, for the children, and for the counselors. The presence of God is real in Rob. Rob also has an amazing gift with leading worship: singing and playing guitar. He's pretty dang funny and always kept the campers laughing. I appreciate his honesty, and his utmost desire to live in truth and grace. I've learned alot from him.

Kari Maddox (Mad Ox): My sister! Kari and I often stuck together when the testosterone levels were running high (or if we were in a secluded part of the world and there were no toilets... ahem). Aside from the fact that she was the only other girl on the team, Kari can cook amazing food... for lots of people- sometimes seventy people and more. My favorite was her chili- oh gosh was that good chili. Kari had one of the hardest-if not the hardest-job on the mountain, and she did an amazing job. She loves the Lord and it is completely evident in her walk. She is honest. She loves God and she loves people. We are kindred spirits, and we both love Anne of Green Gables. I found a wonderful friend in Kari... many tears, many smiles, lots of laughter, and lots of good talks. I often call her when I need a friend to listen to me. She's wise. Oh, and she was my sleeping buddy when it was our turn to sleep in the fort all alone... this came in handy when two people (ahem Liam and Jordan) scared the crap out of us one night by making noises...

Liam Bogan (Lone Wolf): My twin from way back in our AIM days (back when the program was concentrated to be a family and since Liam and I are only 6 days apart, we called ourselves twins). Liam is not only selfless, but is completely willing to bend over backwards for people in need. In my case, this meant carrying me many times uphill, driving me to Bakersfield and back for my MRI, and always getting ice. His desire is to live passionately and radically for God, whatever that may be. He is creative (hence his position as Activities Director), compassionate (also works well for the 1st Aider position), and contains a strong yearning to know God. If I ever needed encouragement, Liam was always ready to say just what I needed to hear, without my telling him. Liam was also responsible for putting beads in our hair... he kept his in the longest until he cut it out with a knife.

Gabe Knox (Swift Lion): Here are things you need to know right now about Gabe. He can throw a hatchet so accurately it is actually scary. He, along with Rob, is an amazing guitarist and vocalist. He takes pretty sweet pictures, and likes to hunt :). Gabe has this wisdom thing going on. Sometimes he will say something and you just have to think about it.. because it's truth. He has a heart for ministry and for serving. He's got lots of energy and is tons of fun to be around. Gabe and I shared the same responsibilities with the kids (lead counselors) and it was fun to plan lessons with him. We basically wanted to roast marshamellows for object lessons each day, but that wouldn't have worked. We learned how to make a shelter, build fire, and purify water by using a sock- usually his. We also picked gooseberries and endured long times at Polarbear pond with the kids. I mean, we like Polarbear pond and all... but. you know. Good times.

So there is my team in a nutshell. I know there's plenty more to say, but this is already a long post. Basically they're wonderful and I am so glad they have been such a huge part of my life, if even for a summer. I've learned a lot from all of them. Thanks guys...

CPR, frustratioin, and God's love

Tonight something happened that has happened before. A couple years ago I was unable to perform CPR on a man lying on the side of the road just a couple weeks after I had gotten my lifeguarding certification. I didn't have a mask, he had vomitted, he didn't have a pulse... my training told me not to do CPR. He died.
Like Deja vu another middle aged man, overweight, lay on the ground outside of my Starbucks. When I went out there two other people were already performing CPR. The guy was doing mouth to mouth. I somewhat froze. They weren't doing it quite right- I could tell their training was outdated- but they were doing something. When I found my voice I helped coach them and reminded them to allow the vomit to come out of his mouth. He started breathing again... so they told me. I hope he lives.
I say this while I am in the midst of struggle in my heart and my head regarding the love of God. I tend to go for days, weeks, even months at a time forgetting that God loves me. Really loves me. Approves of me because of Christ's blood washed over me. But I forget. Alot. And I don't live as though the God of the universe is crazy about me. I feel like a failure much of the time. I live to please others because I can see their response. This might be why I am a people pleaser... the love given by others is almost tangible... but it's not necessarily love, perhaps approval that I can see. I sense God's desire to make me aware of His love. To grasp His love. To identify in His love. To live His love.
God loves that man on the ground today. Whether he lives or dies is ultimately up to God. God loves me too. I'm just searching to accept it.

Fresh Quarter, Fresh Perspective

Driving home from Bako today got me thinking. I popped in my David Crowder "Illuminate" CD and the lyrics of the songs reminded me of where my focus needs to be. First it was a blatant realization of where my focus had been... and that in and of itself has been a process. Oh I am a selfish person. My desire for control, my self-focus, my worry, my insecurities, my fears... all derive from the fact that my focus was not central to God and who He is and how He is to be praised.

At first this realization (conviction actually) got me really frustrated with myself and doubtful that I would be able to get out of it... And yet, who is it that we say God is? Redeemer. Forgiver. Lover. Savior. Sovereign. Holy, Holy, Holy. Almighty God. Wonderful. Prince of Peace. So I chose to accept the freedom and grace through Jesus (once again because I so often forget it or choose not to believe it) and regained (only by the grace of God) a new perspective of life. "It's just me and You, God."

So often I forget who I am really living for. But pretty much... it's gotta be God or it's worthless and my life leads into this confusing whirlwind of lies and frustration. How easy I get caught up in it all. It's a constant struggle and a constant joy to daily surrender and allow my Lord to be my focus, to be my heart, to be my purpose, and to be my love. My hope lies in Him, and in His victory. Blessed be His Name.

May it be so