Friday Night and Chocolate Cake

It's about 8pm on Friday night. I've spent the evening running errands, doing dishes, baking, and listening to worship music. Right now I have my signature chocolate cake baking in the oven, I'm listening to Chris Tomlin's "Your grace is enough," and am antsy to get to the UCLA soccer game for which I am now an hour and 40 minutes late. Poor timing. Yet, it might be one of the sweetest moments of solitude and relaxation all week. I have the apartment to myself and it's been a beautiful time to reflect while baking and smelling the chocolate waft throughout the kitchen. God's voice has been whispering sweet words to my soul and reminding me of His goodness and faithfulness. Telling me that I'm doing ok, that I'm where He wants me to be... affirming me. And praise is the response of my heart. Peace, contentment with who I am in Christ, joy in the moment... it's just a sweet time. I enjoy baking this cake. There's something different about it and about the process. Somewhat laborious, yet I feel like love and patience goes into this cake. I like thinking about the person/people I am making it for... their reaction, what they mean to me, etc. Gosh, I get giddy about making a cake that I know is good... how much more excited does God get when He looks at His creation that He knows is perfect? The buzzer is going off now. My cake is nearly ready, though it will take all night for the process to be complete. Kind of like us and God. Everything's a process. Takes time. Enjoy the moment... the smells... the silence... the peace... the gift.

Whitney pics!

Here are a few shots of us on the Whitney trip this weekend. Due to altitude sickness we didn't quite make it to the top, but it was a memorable trip nonetheless. P.S. who knew it could get so cold that Anna and I both got into my -5 degree bag to keep warm... and WERE STILL COLD? Apparently it happens when you sleep on snow. I'll post more later, been crazy busy with life.

Check out that thugness

Whoops

Niko and JD being quite manly (might I add that JD is carrying 61 pounds on his back)

Anna and Annie = Hardcore.

JD and I on during a lunch break at Mt. Whitney

Happy Girl

Well well well... tomorrow evening I will leave to summit a mountain called Whitney with some very dear friends of mine... and one of those people happens to be my boyfriend. Just thought you all should know that I am no longer a single gal, and that I'm totally enjoying the fun and beautifully awkward early stages of a relationship with someone who has been my friend much longer than my boyfriend. And needless to say, I'm quite a happy girl. ;)

Quote to ponder

"It is grace, nothing but grace, that we are allowed to live in community with Christian bretheren..."
Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Right Here

In the midst of battling fatigue, attempting to slash through all that is on my 'to do' list, conversing with friends, and finding myself immersed in ministry opportunities.... today I will I seek rest. I cancelled stadiums with Nicolette because to be honest, I just need rest (though I will most certainly reschedule). My body is tired and I'm learning to say 'no' when it is necessary. Thank you so much for the comments on my previous posts... they all meant a lot to me (except those stupid make money ads... as if I really wanted to make money off of the vulnerability of my heart. please.).

Despite my current exhaustion, I've found peace. God has abundantly restored me with peace and faith in what is unseen but to be hoped for (reference Hebrews 11). It is well with my soul.

p.s. last night Alana and I walked to Starbucks and treated ourselves to a tall, nonfat, no whip, pumpkin spice latte. Now it's official... Thanks Cait for the reminder of fall.

He Gets Me

I spent a long, busy, exhausting, and completely draining weekend in Sacramento this weekend. On the way there, within the first 5 or 6 hours of our drive, I wanted to turn around and go home. What the HECK am I doing here? Who are these people I am with and what do I think I am doing getting involved in this? PLEASE God just let me go home. I'm done.

So that was my heart on the way to the Youth Specialties conference in Sacramento with Bel Air Presbyterian Church. I literally was almost naseous in the car because I didn't know anybody in the group except JD and Chris (and I wasn't in the same car as them), and I didn't know if I was even really called to high school ministry this year...so I wanted to just be done with it and go home, but Bel Air paid for me to go and so I was stuck.

I'll be honest, the speakers were great and I learned a ton about minsitry and genuinely wanted to be excited about it but my heart just wasn't quite there. Chris Tomlin led worship, the fellowship was good (as I got to know the group better), seminars fun, mom was there, and really it was great, but my heart.... well I don't know if I can even describe to you the state of my heart but let's just say that every time we worshipped I told God I didn't know how and couldn't sing because it wasn't genuine.

Frustrating to no end, I could NOT for the life of me sort anything that was going through my head.

So, although I'm having a great time on the outside and am truly enjoying people and learning, I'm in turmoil on the inside. Fast forward to Saturday afternoon.... my good friend and I decide to go to the seminar about ministering to college students. Though we're college students already, we also minister to college athletes and felt like it would be a good place to go. So we went. And the truth is, God had something incredible in store for us and we didn't have a clue.

I feel like I won't even begin to truly explain what took place in our hearts (I say 'our' because JD and I both experienced it)... but at some point when the speaker was addressing the issues that college-aged students face, we both felt like he was telling us about our lives. Our struggles, our identity, our fears, our strengths... were all put before us and each one matched. Seriously it felt like FINALLY someone got us. Life direction, debt, contentment, school, etc. The phrase that made me want to cry (literally) was: "They are fragile. Their hearts are fragile and they are really good at hiding it." And it was truth. The way in which he spoke it was so gentle and loving and full of grace that it was literally like Christ spoke directly to my heart. Fragile. Good at hiding it.

Oh and I am! Every five minutes I try to draw my own conclusions, wonder about the future, wonder about now, question my heart, question my faith, let it get crushed, try to rebuild it. I mean I am a zoo! I am! I'm not going to hide it any more! I am a wreck. And you know what? Jesus gets me. He does. Just like the speaker fully understood everything going on in my life (and that rarely happens), Jesus understands even more. And as basic as that sounds, it is truth.


My faith has never experienced anything like what is going on right now, and I could never articulate to anybody exactly what I was going through. But every single aspect of my life that is going on now has a name to it... something tangible almost... and I feel like God has just breathed new life into me. I know I'm not explaining this well... but in this moment I feel a peace that I have not felt in a long time. My worship is real again. I can praise Him because He gets me. He understands me and knows me and I may know Him. The very King that I had cried out to and told I had nothing for Him... reached out and touched my heart intimately and deeply. This is my King. This is my love.