Top of the world and loving it.

Mountain girl at heart

I just returned from an amazing weekend in Yosemite with some of my favorite people. It was glorious. There is nothing that can put a smile on my face like the mountains do... especially the Sierra Nevadas. We camped near Calvin Crest (which, by the way, a few of us visited and I definately showed off Outpost!) and played in the backcountry a bit. The waterfalls at Greys Mountain were tremendous... just flowing with ridiculous strength and power. We worshiped around the campfire (thanks to JD's backpacking guitar and skills :)), roasted marshamellows, slept under the stars (no tents for this crew... yeah I froze), and played in the river. So great to be in a place that is dear to my heart with great friends.

On Saturday and Sunday we went into Yosemite and hiked a total of 14-15 miles (?). Unfortunately the cables weren't up at Half Dome so we couldn't hike up it. However, Mist Trail made it's name an understatement and was incredibly gorgeous. The entire time we were in awe of the beauty around us... God's amazing. Just absolutely amazing. Sometimes we just stared in silence.... and sometimes we burst out into song. We even danced (er, became undignified for sure)... Can't tell you how much the community around me meant to me; the fellowship was amazing.

I feel like there is so much to write that I have absolutely no idea what to write. I was refreshed and revived. I was reminded of God. I would like to put some adjective to describe God in that sentence, but no such adjective would suffice. I was put into my element... the outdoors. God hand-crafted a special place in my heart that truly loves and adores the mountains. I can't get around it. Nowhere else on earth am I more myself than when I am outdoors (that includes Calvin Crest). Dirty, exhausted, rugged, and really really really happy. .

Tomorrow I will go back to school in the city. I will write three papers this week and go to work. In a few weeks I will be done with my quarter and off to Europe... wierd. And yesterday I was hiking up the side of waterfalls.

In the midst of a battle

Pray for me. The enemy would love nothing more than to destroy me right now... and he's doing all he can to succeed. I'm intensely in the middle of a spiritual battle where I know the Lord has me right now.... because His victory will be all that much greater. Nonetheless, I'm getting my butt kicked. I'm exhausted, emotionally drained, over school and waaaaaaay stressed about it, confused, and am grasping for relief. No the battle isn't over school or my circumstances... the battle is over my heart, and I know the enemy wants to rip whatever I have left of it to shreds. Praise God the victory belongs to Him and that Jesus claims me. I know who wins, and I know I'm meant to be in the battle right now. Hey, I'm all for battle wounds as long as my faith is being refined through the process and as long as I am living in obedience to God. So satan can kick me all over as much as he wants to, but he sure can't have me.

Anyway, please pray. It's rough.

Beautiful climbing day!

Climbing

So Alana, my roommate Christie, two girls from Outdoor Adventures, and I went to Stoney Point in Chatsworth for the sole purpose of climbing. It was beautiful... just amazing. Such an adrenaline rush, such a sweet time of encouragement, laughter, and extreme hardcoreness ;)... I adore climbing. There's something to be said for getting into a really hard spot, wanting to give up, pray for what you need to get through, and then making it to the top.

After climbing, Alana and I decided it was absolutely necessary to go to REI in Manhatten Beach in our climbing outfits and all. I bought some pretty cool things if I do say so myself... Just some essentials, i.e.- ground pad (sleeping pad), strap, and headlamp. I got to use my REI card for the first time and it was exhilerating.

So hardcore right now it's not even funny... except for the fact that I'm not really all that hardcore, I just pretend and hope that some day I can fit that description :)

On a lighter note...

Had a really fun time at work today... Gina, Lyle, Ken, and I ruled frappuccino (sp?) world and the land of espresso, lattes, and drip coffee. The music was delightful and all of us (including Ken, who isn't your average "snap your fingers to the groove" kinda guy) boogied down behind the bar. Gina and I in particular have a special love for dancing and will even turn the music up and dance in front of the pastry case on occasion (ok, well once). Today when she came in we were goofing off and she told me that when she goes home at night she thinks of things I said at work and laughs. That made me happy ;). Work is such a great place for me to be in the world and have real conversations with people all day long... Loving the people I work with...

"I wanna dance
I wanna snap my fingers all night long and dance"
-Derek Webb

Agonizing in the Garden

I'm reading Mark 14 right now. My heart is heavy when I think about Jesus' suffering. His plea that the cup would be taken from Him... yet not His will but the Father's... is an example of faith and love that I can't even fathom. What grace that He did it so that we might be free and abundant in our life. I'm in a state of awe and amazement of our Savior's love and obedience to the Father. The Passion.

Last night I went to Quest, and I swear I've never had a sermon speak so directly toward me in my exact circumstances as last night. For the past two quarters, through my Scripture reading and Oswald, I have been presented with the idea of asking God for what we need, desire, etc. And I'll be honest... it freaks me out sometimes to think that I might ask God for something. I know how small my mind is and how much greater the Father is, and so I would prefer to just generalize my prayers toward His will without getting specific. The root of this concern? Fear. I am so afraid of my request not being granted or of it being shallow or insignificant that I'd rather not ask. Yet over and over again for the last 15 weeks or so, it has been on my heart to ask for something very specific. Just as I was finally realizing I might be able to start asking for it, doubt came in like a flood and I was ready to call it quits. Literally, yesterday I told God I was over it, that it didn't make sense, and that it was a stupid request. Toward the end of my tantrum I asked that Lord that if it be His will that I continue with this request, would he give me something to hold on to just another day so that I might continue to ask. Well ok. So He gave me the entire sermon at Quest. I have no more excuses. Do you know what Rhett started out with last night? "I just want to ask you: what is it that you need to ask for from God?" The entire sermon was on Matt. 7:7-11. Ask, seek, knock...

While I was reading this morning I was overwhelmed with Jesus' prayer request, and knowing that it was denied... yet to the Father's glory it was denied. And to the Father's glory our requests may be fulfilled or denied. Praise God for His infinant wisdom, and for His grace that we might ask things of Him... and we may ask boldly. Because of the passion, we are free to approach the throne of the most High God with absolute boldness. Praise be to God.

The wind shall not triumph

So here I am Lord. The wind scares me, creatures lurk below who would love to devour me, the surface is new and uncertain, and the waves ridicule me with their every movement. Yet my confidence is in You. I will walk steadily with my gaze on you, unwavered by the dangers that surround me. Into your arms will I run...

"He is not safe, but He is good."

Walking on Water

I suppose that after my last post it would be more logical to write papers for school. Instead, I'm writing about my life. I might be brutally honest here, so be prepared. Here goes...

Fear can go to hell. Sorry to be blatant, but honestly, it needs to be said. It doesn't belong in my life or in yours, and it needs to go to hell where it belongs. I can't tell you how much of my life has been dictated by fear, and has prevented me from living an abundant life. I could trace my path of fear in a multitude of areas in my life, but I'd rather just explain where I am now.

I am becoming more and more convinced that fear is the stronghold that prevents access to God's grace and mercy, to His love and affection, and to living a radical life that Jesus calls us to. A couple weeks ago JD spoke about confidence at AIA. He brought up the passage of Jesus walking on water in Matt. 14 and presented the idea that it wasn't necessarily Peter's lack of faith in Jesus that caused him to sink, but his lack of confidence in himself (I'll explain more on that later). Yesterday I was in a wierd funk and I decided to return to my notes from his talk and then I started explicating Matt. 14 for myself. I can't tell you how many parallels I found to my own life in that story.

Jesus had just performed an incredible miracle (fed the 5,000) and sent the disciples out on the water while He prayed in solitude. At about 4 in the morning, Jesus walks out to them on the water and of course they were terrified. Their reaction to Jesus' actions brought fear because it was unexpected, radical, and completely supernatural. Jesus works in mysterious ways. Immediately Jesus reveals himself and tells them to be courageous... Fear Not. I feel like the meat of the story for me lies in Peter. I'm quite like Peter. Peter is bold with his request, yet still unsure of what's going on. "Lord if it's you, tell me to come out to you on the water." Meaning, Lord I want to trust that this is you but I need divine assurance that you are doing this.
"Come." Jesus says to Peter, "Come." He reassures Peter of who He is and acknowledges Peter's request for assurance. It's a simple command, yet so rich in meaning. The call to "come" meant Peter had to step out of the boat and onto the water... He calls us to risks. He confirms who He is and what He is doing and invites us to join. Yet there is a call, and it is a risk.
Peter got out of the boat and came toward Jesus. He was doing just fine until he looked around. "But when he saw he wind, he was afraid, and, beginning to sink, cried out, 'Lord, save me!'" He saw the wind and analyzed the situation... It was dangerous, it had never happened before, it was new, and it didn't make any sense. But Jesus said come. When Jesus says come, we sink when we look around. If things aren't making sense and the dangers appear too high, we will sink. Immediately Jesus reached out His hand and caught Peter. " 'You of little faith,' he said, 'why did you doubt?' " Peter doubted the command. He doubted that he was in the Lord's hands and that the risk Jesus had called him to was real, yet it was real. Jesus said come. He took his eyes off Jesus and didn't think he was capable of making it to him. Really, Peter didn't need to doubt his capability. Neither do we. When the Lord says come, we needn't doubt that command or the situation he calls us to. It might not make sense. It might be terrifying. It might be radical and it might be uncomfortable... but do we trust that Jesus Himself said come, and that Jesus will be victorious through what He calls us to?

I don't know, I'm going through this process of renewing my mind and my focus, of allowing thoughts to happen that I didn't think belonged there because my perspective of God was narrow. And maybe I'm wrong, but it could be possible that Jesus is calling me to come to him on the water in ways I didn't expect. It might not make sense. It might be very scary, but I am learning confidence that God has control. My eyes must be focused on Jesus. Until He tells me otherwise, I will tread this water that doesn't make sense. And hey, let's be honest. Walking on water sounds like the coolest thing ever... Jesus' call is good, exciting, fun, and is ultimately for the purpose of bringing glory to Him.

They got back in the boat and all the disciples were in awe of Jesus. They worshiped. Pretty sweet ending.

So Fear Not. I'd rather take a risk and be wrong, or be corrected than stay in that stupid boat of my own comfort. If it's from Him... He will beckon "come" and I will go.

Writer's Block

Sorry I haven't written anything substantial lately. Can't think of things to write.
It's seventh week. I'm going crazy... too many papers, too many discussions, presentations, lectures, exams, and reading. 4 weeks to go. Hanging in there by the grace of God. When I'm inspired, I'll write. When I make sense of things, I'll write. For now... I write for school.

"Whenever you are fed up with life, start writing: ink is the great cure for all human ills, as I have found out long ago." C.S. Lewis

Weekend hair cuts...

Went home this weekend to watch my brother kick butt in the IM and 100 butterfly, AND make his valley cut times which means he gets to go to valley... so uh yeah, he's a stud and I love him. Here's more news. For those of you who have seen my brother in the last three years, you know that he has some pretty long hair - not only that, but it has, in the past two years, become extremely chlorine-damaged which makes it uh well, you know. While Pat's hair is somewhat his trademark, he decided it was time to let it go, and the big sister got to step in big time with the scissors. Note the transformations on the photos below.

Came home today and my friend JD decided it was time for his haircut. Nicolette and I both partook of the extreme haircutting event... creating quite a hairdo (of JD's choice of course). The hairstyle, although temporary (uh we think), entails a mohawk/mulletesque features that would put any 80s hairstyle to shame. Yup. We had free reign on the hair to do whatever we wanted. Not sure how long he's keeping the cut before he cuts it off, but hey, I'm pretty proud of the concoction Nicolette and I came up. I mean, we sure had fun with it and JD gets to dress white trash for fun now... pretty sweet I'd say.

To end the weekend, a handful of us met at JD's apartment for midnight worship and praise. It was sweet. I loved it. I feel like there is more to say about that, but just picture 7 college students in the living room of an apartment with two guitars, pillows, chairs, silence, and music. Scripture was read, prayer was involved, and reflective worship made God's presence known. He was worshiped tonight, and that's all that matters.

The before shot... Just got out of the pool and still has cap hair, but you get the jist... It's alllll coming off.

I don't know, I kinda think he should have kept it like that, but maybe that's just me... that face says it all

looking mullet-ish, but you can't tell in this picture

tada!

Yea, that's right. It's a mohawk and mullet all in one. So hot right now.

In Memory of Her

I am writing a 16-18 page paper on women in the ministry of Jesus for my "The historical Jesus" class. I figure as a woman who sometimes struggles with Biblical interpretations of gender roles in society, marriage, etc. I might as well study Jesus and examine how He interacted, treated, served, healed, discipled women. My professor is a big advocate of Jesus as not only a radical mover of the way religion was done (especially with table ministry and purity rules), but also as a radical in the way He interacted with women. I don't think I worded that right, but I'm examining for myself how Jesus calls women and how He used them in His ministry. I'm intrigued. The research is only in the beginning stages (not good considering it is the end of 6th week), but it is moving right along. As a novice historian, I am learning to analyze the historical text within the context it is written, and I have found this to be crucial. Hm. more to come, I hope to share with you what I have learned through this process. pray that although I am writing this in a secular context, God would be guiding my research and feeding me with truth. I don't want the world's perspective, nor do I want the enemy interfering... I hope to learn more of my Savior.

my roomie has a xanga!

Alright all of you out there, my roommate Christie Tedmon who is amazing has just started a xanga! She's got lots of great stuff to say so you should check it out...
Teddy was a UCLA gymnast for 4 years, loves Jesus tremendously, dreams of working with children, psychology major, likes cheesecake, and is going to Prague with me this summer... She's pretty tight.

Isaiah 6:1-8

In the year that King Uzziah died, I saw the Lord seated on a throne, high and exalted, and the train of his robe filled the temple. Above him were seraphs, each with six wings: With two wings they covered their faces, with two they covered their feet, and with two they were flying. And they were calling to one another:

"Holy, holy, holy is the Lord Almighty; the whole earth is full of his glory."

At the sound of their voices the doorposts and thresholds shook and the temple was filled with smoke.

"Woe to me!" I cried. "I am ruined! For I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips, and my eyes have seen the King, the Lord Almighty."

Then one of the Seraphs flew to me with a live coal in his hand, which he had taken with tongs from the altar. With it he touched my mouth and said, "See, this has touched your lips: your guilt is taken away and your sin atoned for."

Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, "Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?"

And I said, "Here am I. Send me!"

I agree

"Is any pleasure on earth as great as a circle of Christian friends by a fire?" C.S. Lewis

Locked Out

Funny story this morning...

At 8:16 am I went outside on my balcony to read my Bible, pray, journal, etc. I had my C.S. Lewis book of quotes with me as well. I was desparately needing the Lord. I got some good Jesus time and reflection of my thoughts, my past, and people in my life. I felt like I was done and that the Lord had blessed me with a sweet time so I decided to go back inside. Hmm. Somehow, some way the door had become locked from the inside so now I was stuck on my balcony. Ok, I thought... I bet Jesus just really needs to do some more stuff with me so I'll continue my quiet time. Ha. I read more of Mark and the Psalms, and was truly blessed by the Word. I decided once again that it was time for me to go inside now, it was time to call my mom and get ready for church. Perhaps my roommate would be up or somehow the door had mysteriously unlocked itself. Nope. Still locked out. Ok, once again I thought I just needed to be fed more so I opened up my C.S. Lewis book o' quotes and was richly blessed by his wisdom and writing. Honestly it was a really cool experience. I thought of Aslan and how he represents the Christ figure and how sweet that was, I got a few quotes on friendship that I loved, and I read about faith. All in all a good experience. I'm pretty certain by now that God must need me to go inside... I have no idea what time it is... but I'm still locked out and even though I start yelling and banging on the glass door, Tamara doesn't wake up and I'm in a really funny spot.

Well by this time I'm almost laughing. I try many things... like sticking sticks in the door, try to open Jackie's window that is close by, pound on the door harder, yell for our manager, etc. Now I start envisioning things... I sincerely wished I had rope (or guts) to attach to the palm tree right outside. My harness and caribeaner (sp?) are right inside the door (which does me no good) but if I had them I swear I would have attached myself to something and gone down Indiana Jones style. Alas, no luck. Ok so once I fully realized that I am one hundred percent locked out of my apartment and am confined to my little balcony I stopped thinking of how I could get out of the situation and decided to milk it for all it's worth.

First I started singing "make a joyful noise to the Lord" to the neighbors down below who were loading up their cars. I actually sang a number of songs- no joke - to my neighbors. I don't know if they heard me or not, but I sort of thought it was funny when I sang "I will not be silent, I will not be quiet anymore." I hope you're laughing because this is a true story and I am laughing at myself now when I think about it. Don't worry, I didn't sing loud enough to wake people up, I don't think so at least. Next I even made myself jewelry out of pineneedles (a lovely ring). After singing to the entire street and making myself little creations, I sat down and look at my journal... then I got philosophical and spiritual.

Here's the thing. I am at this rough place spiritually where I am experiencing a great lack of trust and I deeply desire for control because I think I know what is best for me. YEP. So what situation do I find myself in this morning? One where I have ZERO control and can only rely on trust that God will provide a rescuer at some point (may I tell you that I am about to miss church, haven't called my mother on mother's day yet, and have a 5 page paper due tomorrow that I have not written yet?) in His timing. Funny God. So I trust. I spent a lot of time pondering the idea of waiting on the Lord, what that means, how do we do it, etc (I think I got a good glimpse this morning of what that may sometimes entail). Then I realized that, in my state of complete lack of control, discomfort (I'm also getting hungry and really hot), trust, vulnerability, and perhaps psychoticness... I am right where God needs me to be. Because I pray that the Lord would ordain my steps of each day, and because I pray that whatever He has for me is what I truly desire, and because I believe the Lord honors these prayers, I realize full well that I am exactly where I need to be. Not only on the balcony locked out of my apartment, but also a place in my life where it's ok that I'm struggling really hard with stuff. That I am insecure about where my faith may lead me. That I am uncomfortable. That I am humbled and can only return to the cross. This is where I am and and this is where the Lord will keep me as long as He desires. He will redeem and He will rescue. It's a part of this process of learning to trust and to surrender control that God has me... and so I love that.

I love the fact that I was trapped on my balcony for THREE HOURS until my roommate woke up and found me on the balcony at 11:12 am. I needed to be there. God worked there. I missed church, still haven't called my mom, and the paper doesn't even have my name on it yet, but God divinely appointed me to wait on that balcony until He spoke to my heart and got through to my head that He loves me and adores me and is meeting my every need. And so Blessed be His name for it.

p.s. I think at some point I really do need to attach a rope to that tree and try to rapel down it. How sweet would that be?

Alana, Jackie, and me at Marina Del Ray after a fun kayaking excursion!

Kayaking in the Marina

I woke up this morning really excited...

After a delicious breakfast at Headlines, Jackie, Alana, and I headed off to Marina del Ray to go kayaking! It's free for UCLA students and we can take the kayaks out for as long as we like... so we went for it! I have actually never done any kayaking except for at camp, and if you know Calvin Crest you are laughing a bit because the lake at Calvin Crest (great as it is), is slightly smaller than the ocean :). Anyhow, Alana, our Outdoor Adventure guide and one who is dear to my heart because we share so many passions, led us through the basics and we got in. It was so incredibly peaceful on the marina. We toured, looked at all the boats, watched Pelicans divebomb in the ocean, and said hello to fellow boaters. A glorious morning because the sky was insanely beautiful, the water had a slight ripple, and we pretty much had the marina to ourselves. Good girl time. We dreamed, talked about what we would name our boats (although none of us came to any conclusions), raced each other, crashed into each other, and shared life together. It was a beautiful thing. I love my sister time. After the boating, we headed over to my Starbucks and got some free drinks. Sat outside and shared more life together. We laughed a lot, shared a lot, and encouraged each other. Our friendship is affirming. I like that. I am truly blessed by the community here. We encouraged each other to continue to bring back every decision, every obstacle, every relationship, etc. to the Lord. So wonderful. My soul is at peace and alive in the Lord.

Gotta be on my knees

So I have maybe heard the words "It's not about you" 1-3 times a day for the past week or so... or at least something to that effect (get over yourself is another one). Been convicted. Praying for transformation of my mind. Honestly, I feel like I am so self-consumed that I lose sight of what it means to live without myself in mind (ok poor wording but you get the point). This me, me, me, world I live in has got to go.

praying to lose sight of myself that I might live with Him in sight.

Affagato Style

We have new drinks at Starbucks... the frappuccino made with a floating shot of espresso and cross-hatch (I like to say hatchet but that's wrong) design of caramel and/or mocha. It's of the devil. Not really. I made way too many frappuccinos today and I think affagoto style frappuccinos may be one of the worst ideas ever... at least for the baristas. Kinda like chanticos- taste pretty good if you're into rich chocolate, but not much fun to make. Hmmm lo siento to the chantico and affagato style frappuccino fans, but to quote Christie Tedmon, "It's one of those days huh?" Indeed.

p.s. I will say that I love to make caramel macchiatos. I could make those all day. Order as many as you like and you still get the floating add shot on top even with the cross-hatchet on top!

Fallen in love...

So I am studying for my English midterm on old and middle english and I find it incredibly fascinating. Why wasn't I an english major before? Wow I have seriously learned to adore literature and find myself quoting and underlining ancient texts all the time. I've got it bad I fear. I even liked Beowulf! Sir Gawain and the Green Knight? Incredible. Caedmon's Hym and the story about him? Amazing... absolutely amazing. Margery Kemp? Crazy lady who truly feared God. Cantebury Tales? Still reading... Lanval? Beautiful love poem with amazing imagery and detail. Ahhh if only I could read more often...

Bck to studying for my midterm that is in less than two hours

This Joy

Oh Joy how did you come in so smoothly and caress my soul?
How did you surprise me so and let your presence awaken my senses?
My every thought is captivated by the stimulation of this divine occurance
Though my circumstances may not ask for it, you take my heart and acknowledge God's work
I cannot escape you for the Holy One reaches to me and will not let go
You call to me in every moment, and though I do not answer quickly, you pursue
For only you fulfill

Bakersfield.

Sometimes you just have to write about fantastic weekends, and I definately just experienced a really great weekend. My parents had been dying to have some of my friends come to Bakersfield so they could BBQ for us and pamper us as much as possible... so I invited some friends and we went to Bako! There were four of us: Jackie (my roommate), Kyle (her fiance), and JD (friend and also Kyle's roommate), and yours truly.

It was really a great weekend of fellowship, lots of laughter, too much food, Dewars ice cream, frisbee, swimming, too much food, coffee, the tour, visiting with mom and dad, too much food, darn good BBQ, a real fire (and if you know me, you know this makes me extremely happy. I even got to use a headlamp), country music, church, and way too much food.

Let me tell you about the food: cream cheese and salsa dip (my fav), smoked ribs for days (the boys took good care of those), rice pilaf, cheese bread, smoked tri-tip, mom's caesar salad, homemade oreos, Dewar's ice cream, banana walnut pancakes, eggs, bacon, orange juice, homemade lattes, frappuccinos, etc... but really, there was just a whole lot of meat... and that's the most important part.

So blessed. Can I say that I have never been happier in my entire life than these precious months have been to me? It's true... rejoicing in the abundance of the Lord.